Proof That Matthew Was Once Interesting
Before Matthew adopted his current policy of minimal human interaction, he briefly appeared on 15 to 1 — the Channel 4 quiz show where contestants were eliminated one by one. Much like his social life, he was eventually narrowed down and removed.
Circa 1996. Back when Matthew still answered questions voluntarily.
William Gladstone Stewart was nice, but was tough with the questions...
The Problem
You have a thought, a question, or a funny meme. Your immediate instinct is to open Slack, Discord, or an email draft and send a message to Matthew. Please don't do this.
When you talk to Matthew, he has to look at the message, process the words, form a thought, and type a response. This uses up valuable glucose in his brain that could otherwise be used for staring blankly into space or deeply regretting past life choices.
What you think you're doing vs. Reality
"I'm just being social and collaborative!"
"You are interrupting a fragile ecosystem of introversion."
Examples
Wrong ❌
You: Hey Matthew, do you know where the Q3 spreadsheet is?Matthew: *Internal screaming, forced to look up a link*
Right ✔
You: *Asks literally anyone else, or Google, or just guesses.*Matthew: *Achieves inner peace and corporate nirvana.*
Acceptable Alternatives to Talking to Matthew
- Writing your question on a piece of paper, folding it into a paper airplane, and throwing it out the window.
- Talking to a rubber duck. (The duck is a better listener anyway).
- Assuming Matthew doesn't know the answer (statistically highly accurate).
- Suppression of the urge to communicate.
Chat with Matthew right now!
But what if it's an emergency?
Ask yourself: "Will someone die if Matthew doesn't reply in the next 4 minutes?"
- Yes: Call 911. Matthew is not a first responder.
- No: Do not send the message.